Now and again I get problems with my ears – infections, wax and stuff. so, I go down the Doctors…
“Can you describe the symptoms?” says the doc.
“Yeh, no problem… Homer is a lazy yellow fat bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!”

So, I’m trying to look after my health. I cut down the drinking a bit, but you know it was a good night out when you fart the next day and have to wipe your arse. Probably the crap I eat too though – Believe it or not there’s a sign in McDonalds that says ‘Sorry we don’t accept £50 notes’ -
Jesus, if I had a £50 note I’m fucked if I’d be spending it on that shite!

Nothing quite says, ‘I’m an ugly bastard with no personality’ quite like having a Thai wife.
Although she did just say I have a big cock. Whoops, I forgot the punctuation, should read as…. She did just say, “I have a big cock”.

My Dad once said, “Son, always try to make sure you have a bird on the end of your cock at every possibility”
Good advice, and I quite like coloured birds actually.

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year…It’s called the iRon
I’m not sexist, but Women should know their place and, always do their clothes shopping at male recommended shopping areas. The t-shirt shop below, for example.

Top Skank Lady GaGa gets her kit off again, this time in an attempt to prove conclusively that ’she’ doesn’t have a dick – Ummm, not convinced.

This pic snatched from her banned video for ‘Telephone’, featuring Beyonce (for some reason) has actually had the all important juicy bits blurred out. So, not proof at all.

Nice tits though , even if ’she’ does one day turn out to be a bloke.
You can download the (semi) uncensored, Banned Lady GaGa and Beyonce Video here, but it’s really not worth wanking over.
Although maybe she was, once…

Mix up the letters in the words ‘large breasts’ and they become a perfect anagram of ‘great braless’. Fascinating uh?

On BBC news this week…. ‘Baby born to a brain dead woman’
I’m not really sure why that’s news. That shit happens every day on council estates all over the country.
But talking of mingers, you know you’re a fat ugly bitch when you walk past a site and the builders shout, “Show us your personality!”

Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Katie Price (Jordan)… They and many other skanks boosted their careers by sucking and fucking on film. The celebrity ’stolen’ sex tape has given a boost to dozens of talentless bimbo’s…
And the latest to jump on this gravy train of sleaze? None other than Scotlands own, X-factor singing sensation, Susan Boyle!
See Subo in all her glory Tits Out and Sucking Cock – Not a pretty sight, but at least it stops her singing for a few minutes!

I got a txt message yesterday, obviously meant for someone else, it said:
‘Hi, be home soon, love ya loads, Steve xxx’
Course, I had to have a bit of fun so I txt the guy back:
‘Don’t bother you ugly cunt, I don’t love You and I’ve been fucking your brother’
I couldn’t wait for the reply… Then it came:
‘You OK Mum?’

Your Mum’s so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending

I tried my hand at a valentines day verse to try and charm the knickers off my gf….
‘Roses are red, but there’s also white, pink and yellow varieties too.
Violets aren’t actually blue, they’re fucking violet, hence the name!’
I’ve got OCD. And my poetry skills are also lacking so fuck it, it’s another wank tonight.

John Terry’s wife admit’s she has no grudges against him or celebrity bike Vanessa Perroncel over their affair. To prove it she’s bought them both a toyota.

Meanwhile Ashley Cole was pulled over doing 98mph in a 30 zone.
When quizzed by the old bill as to why he was driving so fast he replied, “l’ve just heard John Terry is parked outside my house!”

The ipad, It’s like inventing the wheel then a year later saying ”Hey, look, I’ve Invented a bigger wheel”

Apparently Apple’s Steve Jobs was repeatedly told to reconsider the iPad’s name due to it conjuring up images of sanitary pads.
His reply was simple – “The average Mac user doesn’t even know what a vagina is, never mind a fucking tampax.”

Girls are finally embracing modern technology and deciding it’s a great idea to take a digital camera into the bathroom. Hoorah

Sometimes!

They reckon peoples surnames came from the jobs that their ancestors had. Smith being a Blacksmith for example.
Personally, I’ve always been concerned about people called Dickinson!

And talking about jobs, I dug out a pic of the head at my old school, Mr Dick.

After 12 pints of Stella ‘wife beater’ Artois I finally decided to stop drinking when I stared at the picture below…
And it looked normal!